Miscarriage: Image

Miscarriage at Home

My dear, if you are here because you or someone you know is miscarrying, I am so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say to you, personally. I can’t imagine how much this must hurt right now. I know how much your baby was already loved. I am so sorry you won’t get to hold your little one in your arms. You are a strong woman, but please don’t feel like you need to be strong right now. Being kind to yourself is more important. I've infused these words with love as I type, and as you read them, they send caring thoughts your way through the magic of the internet - bringing some peace, hope, and healing when you’re ready.

This is one of those articles I wish never need be written. I don't want to be giving advice on how to handle miscarriage at home. It makes me so sad to know that you have to go through labour and birth without meeting your baby afterwards. But I want you to feel supported and loved. No matter what's going on for you at home, you have people who will care about you here. Use the contact form and I'll email you. Join any Freebirth/Homebirth/Unassisted Birth/Loss group on Facebook and you will find many women who have been where you are and have felt a similar way, whatever you're feeling. You're not alone.

There's an encouraging birth affirmation "Women all over the world are birthing with me right now ". If I flip it to one that's hella depressing but true it might say, "Women all over the world are also grieving their baby with me right now". Sadly, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Hopefully depressing though it is, it reminds you that you can reach out and be heard. There's a silent army of women who have private and raw pain and experiences, but these women will open themselves up to you.

“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.” - Barbara Kingsolver, Author

Maybe you really wanted this baby/pregnancy- or not - but either way, you've lost a person. A little one that would have joined your family. Someone you had hopes and dreams and plans and ideas for. You might have imagined them with blue eyes or curly hair ….or olive skin like their father. And now there is just...nothing. 💔

It can be helpful for some women to save and hold onto anything that reminds you baby DID exist. Your baby was real and precious and inside you.

Keep those scans and fertility chart and the onesie you bought. Bury their little embryo/sac and plant a flower over it in their memory. Buy jewellery as a memento.

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” -Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

And if you don't want to do any of that, that's fine too. Pregnancy can be complicated and emotional for many reasons, especially if unplanned. When a woman miscarries, there is no single “correct" way to feel. Women may experience a range of seemingly conflicting emotions simultaneously. In many cases, though, grief is one of those emotions, and it’s important to keep in mind that everyone grieves in their own way, on their own timeline.

You may also feel sadness (for yourself, others, and the experience), grief (at the loss of a baby), jealousy (when seeing others with pregnancy and babies), depression (and PTSD too), mad (why me?), blame (what caused it?), shame (thinking your body is broken), melancholy (nothing positive right now), and surprisingly perhaps, and you may feel embarrassed about it, relief (if the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted or came at a stressful time, you no longer need to make plans and experience pregnancy symptoms).

Working through all your feelings can be done in your own time and space, and doesn't need to be done all at once, or even at all. You're still allowed to grieve your baby when you're 90 years old.

“Miscarriages are labour; miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonours the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly. The physical pain from miscarriage can be as intense as that of a full-term birth.”

Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today, Issue 41

Things to do while waiting to miscarry

“There is no foot too small that cannot leave an imprint on this world”

Make memories with your babe/s by doing the normal pregnancy things like belly pics, or other things like going for a walk somewhere special
Belly pics
Name baby
Plan what you'll say when people ask about your pregnancy, or how to tell people about your loss (e.g your children)
Collect supplies and make a miscarriage plan

Supplies for miscarriage

“The whole person is affected—physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.

Physically, the hormonal changes of early pregnancy require the body to use much energy adapting to a new state of physical equilibrium. With miscarriage, the body needs even more energy to readjust hormonal levels once more.”

Herbs - teas and tinctures to support the loss and rebuild the blood e.g. NORA tea, Pregnancy loss tea.
Angelica Tincture (or cohosh or cottonroot) - can be taken to start the miscarriage, hasten a miscarriage that has already started, or ease the bleeding if you bleed too much during a miscarriage.
AfterEase or Crampbark tincture - for afterpains
Pads - long and overnight ones, maybe adult diapers too
Sieve - to catch baby/sac if you are passing it over the toilet
Heat bag - to ease cramps
Memory box - to save anything belonging to baby such as a onesie, announcement pics, tiny footprints, breastmilk ring.
Frame - for ultrasound picture/s or bump pictures
Food - meals and snacks for during the process of early birth, and some meals for after while you recover. Organise easy food or freezer meals, or have someone else cook for a while.
Oils - calming essential oils such as lavender or a custom blend
Support - Join a loss Facebook group, message a friend, organize a loss doula, brief your husband on how to support you.
Sneak peek test to find out sex of baby
Early Birth certificate - https://www.bdm.vic.gov.au/births/miscarriage-stillbirth-and-loss-of-a-newborn

Miscarriage at Home before 13w:

Listen to or read this article by Aviva Romm for early miscarriage before 13 weeks.

Her article is well worth a read as it contains:

Find it on Spotify/podcast:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6qqGRI5KTk1YPJ3N0DNdsX

Read it as an article: https://avivaromm.com/miscarriage-at-home/

Miscarriage/Stillbirth at home after 20w:

In most cases, early birth after 20w can be managed at home the same as an earlier term loss, but because it can be more like a full term labour, lend some consideration to extra pain relief and support. Occasionally you will need induction of labour if there are signs of infection, or a D&C after for the placenta if Angelica has not worked.

If you experience a later term miscarriage or stillbirth in Australia, after 20w you legally will need to notify/register the birth.

This is free and you can get a birth certificate to commemorate their short life. https://www.bdm.vic.gov.au/births/miscarriage-stillbirth-and-loss-of-a-newborn

General Tips and Suggestions
I carry your heart with me. I am never without it. - E.E. Cummings

Be gentle with yourself. This is not your fault. This is also not the time to power through usual chores and over-extend yourself. Take time to rest and be with family.
Stay home when the miscarriage starts so you're not caught in a public bathroom, particularly one with an automatic flush that will take away your baby.
Look into the water method of preserving your little baby for a day so you can meet them and photograph them. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=5479823468704865&id=100000317994095
Affirmations: look up affirmations for grief online.
Grief: You may experience 1 or more (or all or none) of the stages of grief. Allow yourself the process however it happens for you.
There is a wide range of ways in which you can remember your baby. Some people choose not to do anything visible and prefer to grieve in their heart alone, whereas others find it helpful to have a visible way to memorialize their baby's life. Lend some thought to what you might like to do. Perhaps choose a name from the list below.
Manage moods naturally: before and after your miscarriage, invest in Rescue Remedy, Motherwort, Chamomile, calming teas, and anything else you know works for helping your mood.
Take photos of your baby. It may seem morbid or unnecessary at the time but these photos can be of comfort later, and if not, you can delete them. Depending how far along you were, there are charities that will come and do stillborn loss photos.
Plan a memorial service or mini funeral. This can help you say a proper goodbye if everything happened too fast to process. This could be just you going to a special place or you might invite a bunch of people that are important to you.
Plant something over where you bury baby’s body, or in memory of baby.
Miscarriage is also birth. Miscarriage is also a rite of passage for women. You will have a postpartum time. Take the time to rest and be nourished. Your body and soul need it.

Naming baby

“Some say you are too painful to remember. I say you are too precious to forget.”

Babies’ names can help you feel more connected to them. Referring to them by name – especially when grief makes things seem so unreal – helps validate that they were here, that you carried them, and that they did exist.

If you do choose to name your baby, here are some things to consider:

Perhaps choose a gender-neutral/unisex name if the pregnancy loss occurred before it was possible to determine your baby's sex. If you had a feeling one way or the other about the baby's sex, you can feel free to give your baby a name suited to that gender. Remember, there are no wrong decisions here, you should do what feels right for you and your partner.

Consider using a name that you love but which you would not use for a future baby, such as one that honors an older relative, or a relative who has passed away. Having a positive association like that with a name you bestow on your miscarriage or stillbirth may prove helpful for you emotionally in the long run.

If you had a name already selected for the baby, you might consider still using that name. Some parents may choose to keep the name they originally had in the event they become pregnant again, but that could also conjure up sad memories of the miscarriage.

Pregnant women often refer to the baby they're carrying by a nickname; maybe you referred to your pregnancy as Jellybean or Peanut. It's okay to keep those names unless it feels too painful.

Use a word that is meaningful to you even if it isn't technically a name. The name for your miscarried baby is not likely to be used by anyone except you and your partner, so it's a decision you can make without seeking others' input. - VeryWellFamily

Gender neutral /unisex baby name list

(for early loss when sex is unknown)
“I held you every second of your life.” — Stephanie Paige Cole

River

Skyler

Justice

Emery

Phoenix

Quinn

Story

Zion

Frances

Star