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Fathers: How to support HER: Image

How to be a supportive birth partner

(I'm writing this to the expecting dad - but most advice applies to anyone whether you are the woman's mother, sister, or friend)

Published 10 November 2020, updated 13 Nov 2020


Dear Dad, have you ever heard of the guy who tried to make his wife happy by telling jokes in labour, but she didn't laugh once?
It was the delivery.

And now someone you know, and love dearly has asked you to be there at their freebirth. And she wants your full support as she brings earthside the child you created together.

But you think "delivery is not my strong point."

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So what do you have to do?


In a hospital birth, or a midwife assisted birth, you are there to support the birthing woman, and you look to a doctor or midwife for medical knowledge and authority. 


Without them, you might feel like now you need to have medical skills to attend.


But freebirth is unique.

The woman alone is the sole authority on her birth, her body, and her baby. 

She takes the responsibility, as only she can.


But freebirth empowers you too, Dads.

You are an integral emotional and physical support for your wife. You are not pushed aside by the system. Rather, you are 100% present in the birth of your child.


The man's primary role is not knowledge or decision making. (or joke telling!)


Your role is to Protect, See, and Support her.

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You are so much more than a minor role. Just as the woman is becoming a mother, so you are a Father!
Your strength will be invaluable to her, and your only limitations are what the woman herself wants.

(The best thing you can do, if you only take away one thing from this article: Ask the woman what SHE wants, and then do that.)

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PROTECT. SEE. SUPPORT.

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Your role as Protector: (ProtectHER)

  • Protect the space (don't tell people she's in labour. Fend off negative phone calls. This can mean doing the hard yards like kicking out people your wife doesn't want around)

  • Leaving your own fears and insecurities at the door

  • Be an advocate in case of transfer


Your role: to See (SeeHER)

  • Witness her transition, the completion of matrescence (the journey from woman to mother)

  • Affirm and reassure her inner strength

  • Trust her

  • Just BE there, fully, focused 

"The father-to-be must not look in her eyes, as if to ask his wife in labour "Stay with me, stay grounded"

Rather he should be prepared to go fully with her into the unknown, completely into the new experience with her, embracing the spiritual and emotional aspects, as they bring their child into the world together." - Haley Pearse

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Your Role as supporter: (SupportHER)

This can be the most involved. Some women need a lot of mental and physical support. While other women get it all done themselves and just need some TLC on the other side!

Whatever support she needs, tailor it to her.


"The whole point of woman-centered birth is the knowledge that a woman is the birth power source. She may need, and deserve, help, but in essence, she always had, currently has, and will have the power." - Heather McCue

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  • Moral support: Help her learn what she needs to about freebirth. If you brush up on physiological birth, and emergencies, you can provide moral and medical support, without fear. Its unlikely you will have to use your skills (the woman is the authority) but it will give her peace.

  • Physical support: some women need counter pressure, or rebozo sifting through contractions. They might need help changing postitions, like during pushing, often. Learn the techniques and moves!
    "Be prepared to have your hand squeezed like it's in a vice." - Hamish, UC Father

  • Practical: Fill the pool, bring her water, remind her to pee/eat/drink, make the bed, cook her dinner after birth, look after any other children so she can rest.

  • Birth specific: she may ask you to catch the baby, or cut the cord, or pass you the bowl for placenta, or check dilation. Be prepared to get messy 

  • Photos: snap some candid shots of her in her raw, beautiful, primal, feminine power! She will want these moments remembered, even if she looks a *mess* in the moment. Capture that afterbirth glow, not just the baby.
    (Photos also document important things like time! Time of baby birth, waters breaking etc without having to write it down. Nearly everyone always has a smartphone in hand.)

  • Support yourself: No fear allowed in the room. If you need to take a quick break for fresh air, a glass of water, and some Rescue Remedy spray, do it. She must not see anything but confidence reflected in your face. 
    Feed yourself, and don't ask her where lunch is.

  • Encourage her! There is no room for pity, sympathy, or sadness. This is exciting! Birth is not something that just happens to a woman. It is something she can actively, exultantly, DO! 
    "A great example that I learned during birth training from my teacher, Rhea Dempsey, was this: if you saw Cathy Freeman run the 400 metres during the olympic games, by looking at her face alone, you would have seen that she looked like she was pushing past her personal barriers, felt burning pain and was so exhausted running her event the very best she could. She ran for her life, giving it everything she had after years and years of training and preparation. So would you be telling her:
    “Oh poor Cathy, I wish I could help you, I wish I could make it stop. You deserve a break from all that pain, you’ve come so far, what will a little rest matter?”
    Or:
    “GO CATHY!!! GO CATHY!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!” 
    - By Kelly Winder, BellyBelly

  • Quick support: if she asks you to come, or to do counter pressure, don't wait 1 minute. That's the length of time it takes for a contraction to be over, or the baby to be born. If she says now, she means NOW. The boiling water and things can wait.  Drop what you're doing and get to her quickly.

  • Support HER: anything she needs! Remember to ask!

    "With the birth of all of our children and discussing it afterwards, the item that surprised me most was how little control I had over the situation where my wife is going through an extremely intense situation, and how she needed me just to let her focus and be in tune with both her body and her baby's needs (especially during contractions near the end, don't say anything, don't touch her, just let her focus and get through it, but make sure to cheer her on in transition when she's exhausted and so close to the goal that she's almost there she just needs a tiny bit of encouragement to finish the race, then be sure to catch the baby, but watch out, they're wet and slippery and if you drop them you'll never hear the end of it!)." - James, UC father

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Some suggested ideas and techniques for you to learn

Birth is the ultimate act of love. The baby was made in love, and now is birthed with love.

How amazing that you can love your wife and your baby in this way - facilitating unhindered, undisturbed, family centred birth.


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Fathers: How to support HER: Text
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Fathers: How to support HER: Image
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Fathers: How to support HER: Image
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